Following the feedback I receieved from my classmates about my footage and what they would like to know about Matthew, I decided to do a second draft of my narration. I think it needs to have more information about how it effects our daily lives... somethings that I would consider quite mundane seemed to interest them!
It's hard to explain to people what Matthew's like and how severe his special needs really are. Basically his autism means he can't communicate or more accurately doesn't see the necessity... It's strange really, because there's so many times throughout the day where Matthew's trying to tell us something, but he's just pointing, making noises and we don't know what he means... so he gets angry which makes us frustrated... sometimes I feel like shouting at him 'this would be so much easier if you could just talk! Can't you see you need to?!' But I guess his brain just doesn't work that way... His learning difficulties mean he'll probably never learn to communicate like other people his age. Right now, aged 14, Matthew can only say single words. This doesn't mean he's quiet though, he's always making noise, but not anything that resembles a sentence. It's hard to put a sort of 'mental age' on him because, admittedly he can't read or write or count to ten, but he's clever in other ways... I think he's got more intelligence than we give him credit for. His ADHD is the simplest one to describe, it just means he's hyperactive; can't stay focused on one task for more than 5 minutes... if that.
Living with Matthew isn't easy. He's very challenging in lots of ways. His behaviour is quite unpredictable... it can make going out in public quite a difficult and embarassing experience as he just has no idea about what is and what isn't socially acceptable. Because he doesn't like change, his days have to be very structured... he has a clear routine and we can't just randomly decide to go out as chances are he'll just refuse to co operate. If he feels disturbed by something he tries to maintain a sense of order, so he'll start trying to boss me and my parents around.
He's become much more controlling... I think that's what I resent the most, how much control he has over everyone in the house... We either do it his way, or we don't do it at all! Most of the time it's just easier to let him have it his way than to suffer the consequences.
When Matthew gets anrgy, his tantrums are horrendous. He doesn't have them all the time, but he goes through phases where he'll have an outburst at least once a day. Those times are the hardest.. for everyone. We don't even always know what's brought it on because obviously, he can't tell us. I just feel so helpless. I normally just hide up in my room while my mum and dad deal with it. I wish I could help but they say they'd rather I didn't get involved because I'd just end up getting hurt. When he's in that sort of state he just sort of destroys everything in his path; he'll break furniture, lash out at me or my parents; he gets really violent. He's violent towards himself as well... it's almost like he realises that something's wrong with him and that's why he feels this way so he takes it out on himself. It's horrible to see Matthew like that.
He makes me really angry, sometimes. I know he can't help it, but I don't want to always excuse him as some of the things he does are just so out of order, but at the same time he's my brother... he's my only brother and I love him. Underneath all the anger and frustration that he directs at us is vulnerability, he needs us. I do feel very protective towards him because he can't fight his own battles, he needs people to fight for him. And that's me, that's my job. I'll always look after him, always be there for him. Always.
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